"Hard-hearted, don't worry -- I'm ready for a fight. Unnerved the nerve -- you're nervous, nervous that I'm right."
So, the most thoughtful surprise I could've asked for came yesterday. I get a call from an unknown number, and it turns out it's my big brother's friend that also happens to go to UCR. Unexpectedly, she delivers a care package from my brother filled with all kinds of goodies. My favorite candies: twix and reeses (how he knew, I have no idea), sour patch kids, milanos, goldfish, monsters, vitamin water, notebooks, index cards, playing cards, kleenex, chapstick (needed), shampoo +stuffs (also needed), ...etcetera. What perfect timing to get all that though, right? My big brother knew how much I've been stressing, and it was his way telling me it's okay and to keep strong. I love him so much.
It makes me that much more excited to fly my way home for Thanksgiving break.. back to my family, back to BBM, back to DRBY, back to my backbone.
In other news, I'm already all registered for winter quarter: 20th Century History, the Violent Universe, Contemporary Moral Issues, and Intro to Dance. Boo for Tuesdays and Thursdays being long, but yay for four-day weekends Friday-Monday.
All I can say for now is... This is not at all what I planned for. But again, how often do things like these go as planned, y'know? It wasn't to spite you or anything toward you personally (any of you for that matter)... but shit happens. This whole mess that has been from one thing to another is a perfect example of the fragility in any given situation. Nearly two years put into a relationship so heartfelt.. yet no more than a day to quickly burn that all to ashes. An honest mistake, really, due to lack of better judgment from lack of sleep/appetite more or less. And from then, consolation came in the strangest ways... yet the comfort still had to be concealed. Then in the middle of piecing all these bizarre pieces together came something so unexpected.
Obviously, I was not intending for things to turn out this way. Actually, the politically correct term would be honorary... but whatever. It's good that I don't always get what I want. And here I find myself somehow falling again. So soon it seems, but I'll be waiting forever if I try to find "the right time." Instead, we just take things slow and despite the random odds against us, I still find myself laying my head with yours at night -- a lot of nights. No homo. It's probably too soon to be getting my hopes up, but I can't help my wishful thinking. Once you're out of a relationship and potentially getting into a new one... it's re-building what you tore down. A whole process of making sure there's support and the right foundation and the general, growing mutual feelings. Really though, this is looking like it could be something good.
Less than three weeks left of pledging, homes! On the homestretch.
(I'm still not sure how I ended up here. A lot of times I'm content with this, other times I want to get the hell out of here. The life I've found outside of the nest.)
Oh, how I love my Bigs;
big cubed: lol go where
littlest: hang out haha
big cubed: hahaha w/ your boy toy again?
littlest: lol indeed
big cubed: ;)
littlest: :P
big cubed: get ittt lillll
---
big^5: o____ m_____? hahaha
littlest: yes hahahha ><
big^5: get ittttt
"Will you bring a better future than I had in the past?"
I want to start writing/blogging on a regular basis again. No more peculiar spatial gaps in-between my writings. I miss being thoroughly articulate.
You really never know what to expect of people.
Word though, Jabril's talk was especially thoughtful the other night. Hopefully no regrets, pick and choose my own battles.. It's nice to know that beneath the facade anyone may have, considerate people are still there.
Is it odd I still call my dad practically every day? I miss home a lot, though I can see how a new home is forming here. My family, backbone, DRBY ... all of it seems so far away and my life is so different without everyone explicitly here. Familiarity is foreign.
As always, processing the massive amounts of disillusionment.
College entropy; I started swearing again around the time I started pledging, damn it. Late nights. Secrets. Bad sleeping habits and bad eating habits. Gym? Sometimes. Learning about people? All the time.
Lovely company.
"Once upon a time, nobody gave a fuck My heart's an open sore that I hope heals soon Ignorance to cope man, Ignorance is bliss Ignorance is love and I need that shit."
"We're just ordinary people -- We don't know which way to go 'Cause we're ordinary people. Maybe we should take it slow, This time we'll take it slow"
This past week alone has been so ridiculous. I really can't begin to describe the massive amounts of confusion and betrayal felt and then it somehow gradually turned into.. something looking good.
My life sounds like a movie. A bad/funny one. But really though, it's just another day in the life of ... Amanda? No, wtf, Thao. No one calls me Amanda in college (minus the rare few). The only people who do are the people that know me the best. And I miss them dearly.
Even though you don't want anything to do with me for now... At least I know you're moving on with life. And as long as I know you're doing that much, it leaves me with some peace. You're the one who kept me calm and from spazzing out.. And without you my life feels like it's spinning out of control. But I honestly do believe this is for the best. You should have this time in your life to yourself. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this... but maybe we really have come to an end. And that's okay. Though you will never lose meaning to me, I think we need to grow without each other.
School is wack! So much time management needed. Pledging only busies my schedule, but it's such an experience I wouldn't want to miss out on.
Meet me halfway? Waiting for it. It worries me a little, but it's so nice and cute at the same time. Totally hit me out of the blue, but I like it. :)
My hallmates know me too well. If I could describe them, I'd call them a dysfunctional alcoholic family that I love more often than not. Inebriated or not, they're protective and I'm glad I have people like them. They're down for me when I need them, and it will not be the business if they have to come after your ass for my sake. <3
"No, you boys never care, you dirty boys never care, how the girl feels."
College has been a handful. With so many distractions here, I seldom find the time or will to give a legit update. But I haven't really been sleeping so what the hell, right? Might as well.
Schooling; I finally see the interconnection between my classes, it's great. Trying to learn to manage my time.. but procrastination seems to be inevitable. Midterms are coming up. A lot of times I miss home and the DRBY/BBM community, but college is such a growing experience. Time flies when you're having fun, week four is almost overrr.
AlphaIota; I'm pledging for Alpha Phi Omega, and it's pretty exciting. Lots of requirements to fulfill, but it's all within reach. And I'm meeting sooo many people. I lovelovelove it. Active/Pledge capture the flagggg todayy (: Hella excited for that as well.
Flux; Just playing the game as it goes.. you don't ever really know how to deal with these kinda things. Almost two years and I let down my best friend, the one guy who knew how to treat me right, in the worst way. My sincerest apologies, but it doesn't take anything back. I understand I got myself into this situation, and I'm just going to play it out. Such a thrill and I can't even articulate it.
"All the crazy shit I did tonight Those will be the best memories I just wanna let it go for tonight That would be the best therapy for me."
"'I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes, I got misty eyes as they said farewell. But I'll know where several are if my dreams get real bizarre, 'cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar."
I've had this xanga wayyy too long to just abandon it because now I'm a college student.
My summer was amazing, though I have yet to blog about that.
And college is pretty dope itself. Meeting lots of people but already know a handful from school over the years. Finally going to the gym. Chill schedule. Kid Cudi/Talib Kweli/Mickey Factz concert tomorrow for freeeee + BlockParty. First day of school; it was only like ten minutes and I was done by 10am. On top of that, they feed me well as a vegetarian (:
