"I wouldn't say I am a very romantic person, but like you I tend to find romance in unconventional places whether that sounds cheesy or not. ... If you can't smile at shit, you'll probably cry."
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a rude awakening.
It's not to say that I'm unhappy with the outcome, but more like, reality has yet to sink in. I honestly didn't realize how much things have changed overall until that one little splinter. I was already having a hard time processing all the different changes.. and that was like a slap in the face. Sure, I may be naive, but at least I'm not ignorant. I guess I'm still coming to terms with things, too. I'm only human.
New relationships inevitably mean new problems. But if we're both putting in the effort to work it out and make the relationship better, it's all good. I think new relationships are the hardest part because you're still figuring out the works of it all. How much you like and care for each other... How to balance out the rest of your life... Opening up to each other and getting comfortable. All the little things in between. Nonetheless, worthwhile.
In other news... I'm done with my in-class finals. All that's left is my English paper, and that shouldn't be too much of a problem. And then I will be homebound yet again on Thursday. Back home where change doesn't feel so bad.
Installs - December 4th; What a day though. Murphy's Law much?! I didn't go to English and stayed back to finish my assignment after basically my second all-nighter of the quarter. Went to econ but what a waste of time. Cindy did my make-up; Susanna curled my hair. Armando came by in the afternoon for a little bit. Josh drove me to the venue. So much going on... but I crossed :) Now an active ΑΦΩ member. All my direct bigs were at the banquet, and it was sooo exciting to get to see them all. Before we left we got our big and Alpha family gifts, concluding a lovely night overall. And the night of installs (before the after-party and whatnot) ended perfectly as Armando and I looked over the surprisingly pretty Riverside skyline together.
"If I was to be punished, it was because of my own nature. They made me see that the world was beautiful if you were beautiful, and that you couldn't get unless you gave. And you had to give without wanting to get."
So many things I'd like to say but I don't know how. The very curious mishaps and whatnots I constantly find myself in. College is just a whole new playing field for me, moving on from some of the old matters in life and learning to embrace and take full opportunity of the new ones.
I'm really exhausted and miss home. Thanksgiving break was pretty chill, lots of people to see, though I didn't get to catch everyone. And that's what winter break is for. It was nice to see my old friends and remember how even though we're far apart, nothing's really changed. Good food. BBM. Sleeping in my own bed. The comfort of being back in not a house but a home.
Being back at Riverside this week is such a headache. While it's nice to have my boyfriend close again, this SoCal lifestyle is beyond me. I'm over it. There's so much stuff to get done before the quarter ends, and I just need to keep pushing myself until I finish all that drama.
Schoolwise, it's already week ten. I've come to realize I didn't prioritize appropriately, and I'll be the one to pay for it now. First quarter has definitely been a transition, and I really will do better next quarter. I got distracted way too easily. It's certainly no excuse for screwing up this quarter, but what can I do now? Keep moving and learn for the future.
Pledging, ZOMG. Finished all requirements, minus skit. Passed the final with 108%. Pinning is tomorrow. Active installation is this Friday. Getting my letters! And y'all underestimated AlphaIota, WHATEVER YO.
I don't even know where to begin on how many mixed feelings I have. I honestly had zero time to be single, and that makes me a bit sketchy. But nonetheless, I made my choices and I am rather content with the current stance. Who wouldn't like some fun company and someone to care for? I like being with him. The boy's more than I would've ever expected from Riverside, and I am impressed. I'm just so scared of falling (and even more so, getting hurt), but here I go. Every moment is still a surprise.
I have never been more thankful to be back home. But my philosophy remains the same; Why are we only thankful one day of the year? Why aren't we thankful all year long? "Thanksgiving is such a lame excuse to 'celebrate what you're thankful for.' Why aren't people giving thanks the rest of the of freaking year?! But I guess, 'Saying everyday is a blessing is like calling everyone else shallow.'" -Thao in 2005
But I digress.
I'm soooooooo over all of it. All the shit talking, hypocrisy, people pulling super bullshit moves, all of it. Don't pull that shit on me, I will raise hell. I'm normally pretty understanding and pretty friendly, so I don't get why it has to even get to this point. "You can't make people love you, but you can make them fear you."
A little more than a month ago, life didn't seem so volatile. I can hardly remember these past weeks... it feels like one long day that got blurred together. And it all still feels so surreal. I have yet to process how it all happened.
Trying to just keep it all together. Two more weeks of the quarter... Pledging this quarter was a handful, especially since I'm still learning to manage my time properly. Lesson learned? Hopefully.
I think it all started with Disneyland. Prior to Halloween night, it was definitely pretty platonic. Sure, a bit of an eye-catcher and appealing to my thoughts, but that was that. All of a sudden, a totally random and spontaneous trip ended up feeling a little too romantic. Still hanging out, we seemed attracted. Taking things slow, feelings grew. "I'm thankful for new relationships that help us realize how far we've come from who we were and how close we get when we can really be ourselves." I think I actually understand this quote now. As new and scary and frustrating and fun and crazy as all of this is, I am way past content to have someone like him. =) <3
Nonetheless, it's definitely a priceless comfort to be home. My fambam and backbone. Clean air. Real food. The temple. Good milk tea. A big, warm bed and lots of sleep. Love all of it.
"Hard-hearted, don't worry -- I'm ready for a fight. Unnerved the nerve -- you're nervous, nervous that I'm right."
So, the most thoughtful surprise I could've asked for came yesterday. I get a call from an unknown number, and it turns out it's my big brother's friend that also happens to go to UCR. Unexpectedly, she delivers a care package from my brother filled with all kinds of goodies. My favorite candies: twix and reeses (how he knew, I have no idea), sour patch kids, milanos, goldfish, monsters, vitamin water, notebooks, index cards, playing cards, kleenex, chapstick (needed), shampoo +stuffs (also needed), ...etcetera. What perfect timing to get all that though, right? My big brother knew how much I've been stressing, and it was his way telling me it's okay and to keep strong. I love him so much.
It makes me that much more excited to fly my way home for Thanksgiving break.. back to my family, back to BBM, back to DRBY, back to my backbone.
In other news, I'm already all registered for winter quarter: 20th Century History, the Violent Universe, Contemporary Moral Issues, and Intro to Dance. Boo for Tuesdays and Thursdays being long, but yay for four-day weekends Friday-Monday.
All I can say for now is... This is not at all what I planned for. But again, how often do things like these go as planned, y'know? It wasn't to spite you or anything toward you personally (any of you for that matter)... but shit happens. This whole mess that has been from one thing to another is a perfect example of the fragility in any given situation. Nearly two years put into a relationship so heartfelt.. yet no more than a day to quickly burn that all to ashes. An honest mistake, really, due to lack of better judgment from lack of sleep/appetite more or less. And from then, consolation came in the strangest ways... yet the comfort still had to be concealed. Then in the middle of piecing all these bizarre pieces together came something so unexpected.
Obviously, I was not intending for things to turn out this way. Actually, the politically correct term would be honorary... but whatever. It's good that I don't always get what I want. And here I find myself somehow falling again. So soon it seems, but I'll be waiting forever if I try to find "the right time." Instead, we just take things slow and despite the random odds against us, I still find myself laying my head with yours at night -- a lot of nights. No homo. It's probably too soon to be getting my hopes up, but I can't help my wishful thinking. Once you're out of a relationship and potentially getting into a new one... it's re-building what you tore down. A whole process of making sure there's support and the right foundation and the general, growing mutual feelings. Really though, this is looking like it could be something good.
Less than three weeks left of pledging, homes! On the homestretch.
(I'm still not sure how I ended up here. A lot of times I'm content with this, other times I want to get the hell out of here. The life I've found outside of the nest.)
Oh, how I love my Bigs;
big cubed: lol go where
littlest: hang out haha
big cubed: hahaha w/ your boy toy again?
littlest: lol indeed
big cubed: ;)
littlest: :P
big cubed: get ittt lillll
---
big^5: o____ m_____? hahaha
littlest: yes hahahha ><
big^5: get ittttt
"Will you bring a better future than I had in the past?"
I want to start writing/blogging on a regular basis again. No more peculiar spatial gaps in-between my writings. I miss being thoroughly articulate.
You really never know what to expect of people.
Word though, Jabril's talk was especially thoughtful the other night. Hopefully no regrets, pick and choose my own battles.. It's nice to know that beneath the facade anyone may have, considerate people are still there.
Is it odd I still call my dad practically every day? I miss home a lot, though I can see how a new home is forming here. My family, backbone, DRBY ... all of it seems so far away and my life is so different without everyone explicitly here. Familiarity is foreign.
As always, processing the massive amounts of disillusionment.
College entropy; I started swearing again around the time I started pledging, damn it. Late nights. Secrets. Bad sleeping habits and bad eating habits. Gym? Sometimes. Learning about people? All the time.
Lovely company.
"Once upon a time, nobody gave a fuck My heart's an open sore that I hope heals soon Ignorance to cope man, Ignorance is bliss Ignorance is love and I need that shit."
